What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 05:37
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Can shaving hair by Veet in our vagina cause diseases?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I write beautiful poetry .
Why do men find women with bigger buttocks attractive?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why do our deceased do not protect us from other bad spirits?
Put me off passion for life!!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was in good health!
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But, we were locked up after school.
Ive learnt so much.
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And i lived it daily.
Im still living with it.
I think the readers, may guess!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was seconnd youngest,
What is the most memorable thing that happened in your college days?
She wouldn,t have been !
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But ive been too sick for many years..
She loved him until the end.
All the time i was locked up.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Was to survive, this bastard.
What did i know ?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I never cut or harmed myself..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I will be 64.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She found it foreign!.
When she asked me how she looked .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I don,t even have a pension.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We were not on the streets..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She married twice! .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So, i spoilt her more .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
This is soul school!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My life is so biszare .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Comes on , in middle age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I waited trembling.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Would this be the day?
So whats the point in blame.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One cannot live in the past .
Why did i forgive my father ?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It was going to be , some day.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Who then, do I blame.?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He knew the spot.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
(And it was in our own minds.)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We all went to grammer schools
As i do to all so called friends.?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I said to her
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But it wasn’t much.
I was scared of men, in general
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was 9 years of age.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My family never makes their pension either.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I have no regrets .